Talk about a not so Kablammo day. Das preggo chick, see? Car booboo das chick cuz she running away mon.
Over yonder Vincent Drive and Woodman Road in nearby Colorado Springs and around Thursday morning. Ashley Swendson was her name-oh! She preggo by 6 months mon. “I heard a rustle. I looked behind me and it was a bear – 2 feet away.” she said to LA Times reporter Tammy Vigil. “I freaked out and start running. It was chasing me for about 20 seconds.”
Being chased by a bear is no picnic. Being chased by any animal is no picnic. A picnic is where you go somewhere with food and sit outside and eat. From this you can see that this was in fact, no picnic.
“This lady hit me with her car. She wasn’t going that fast. I just rolled off her car.”
As if that wasn’t enough. The old woman then drove her car away. She may not even have known that she hit Ashley. She may have known, and then forgotten. Sometimes old people forget things. We call this senility. This is also, no picnic.
While the elderly woman was escaping, the bear momma also high tailed it out of there. “Perhaps they were in cahoots,” reported Snags Sr., father of our very own rising star Bottomtooth.
Some punks in the government didn’t exercise better judgement. Division of WIldlife formed up a posse and infiltrated bear turf. They kidnapped the bear with tranquilizers, and then killed the bear. Bears everywhere are in an uproar, and many are leaving the country to join pirate gangs off the African coast. When these two forces complete their alliance, shipping will all but shut down in that part of the world.
Police, now that they have killed the bear and arrested the craigslist killer, are focusing their investigation for the suspected grandmother for hit-and-run charges. She is white, and probably in her seventies.
Ashley is sorry that the bear had to die. “It’s still sad. It spared me and it still has to die.” She told us that she plans to give her child the middle name ‘bear’.