PAO REVIEWS: Xpect Maximum Strength Cold Relief

 

*note, it is not raspberry flavored
*note, it is not raspberry flavored

On a recent trip to the food and bev station, I found a need to consume something other than salty crunchy stuff. A victim of a very strong COLD, and a headache from cookie eating assholes wearing hats, the time came to review some pills. 

As you see to the right, the manufacturer is “Xpect” – based on their complete misunderstanding of the word they meant to spell, I can only assume the pills come from China. And if so, I Xpect some taintedness – thank goodness its Friday, and that I have a cold ZAZZ to disinfect and act as a base. 

Tearing the package was easy for a normal sized person. Fat people likely have to eat the whole packet, as it requires some nimble fingers to get the edge just right. 

img00482
those are not small

Upon opening, I let the two pills fall out, in disbelief. They are the size of friggin cookies! I have included a pencap for comparison. They looked pink almost like Flintstone’s Vitamins from the days of old. There was no real odor. 

These pills are like Alanis Morrisette’s album, JAGGED LITTLE PILL. I popped one and my brain knew immediately this was bad news. I hesitated to throw it back and then suffered the awfulness of not-flintstone’s-vitamins that was under my tongue. The potential antifreeze flavor isn’t very pleasant. Grabbing my only beverage handy – a cold ZAZZ – I chugged the f’er down. It didn’t go easy and I think it still lodged in my throat. I repeated this with the other ridulously massive piece of sidewalk chalk, and realized that it began to fizz with the ZAZZ – CHUG CHUG CHUG to clear my air way and all is well now.. whew. 

10 mintues into this experiment, there are noticeable gains! The mongo sized pills apparently pack a punch. My ears are clearing up – I can now hear again, and my headache is fading slowly.  The fight will continue though, as the fcktard hat wearing cookie eating party throwers are still yapping away as if they were Plato and Socrates.  So far, though, so good. Fist pumps? We’re going with 3. I wouldn’t eat these on a normal day basis – but maybe a an added feature to a drinking game, or of course if you need MAXIMUM STRENGTH COLD RELIEF.

Healthy Ruffles – PAO REVIEW TIME

 

chips n zazz
chips n zazz

Baked Ruffles. Cheddar and Sour Cream flavor. This reviewer was pulled in not by the generic packaging which makes it blend into the other awful tasting baked chips, but by the Ruffles branding. They’ve got Ridges, ya know? Opening the chips was easy. Good, because I wanted to get to these chips fast. The bag is wide enough for a medium-large sized hand – I am not sure how fat people would fare here. It may require some further research and case studies. Later this year we may launch a focus group for such PAO testing.

 

The chips themselves – pretty uniform – same ridges everywhere with a good, bent, hexagonal shape. The orange cheese coating was really only on one side, and not as even as the ridgey texture. I found no sour cream in the bag. What’s up with that? You will note in the photos that the reviewer chose a tasty beverage to go with the sampling – Raspberry ZAZZ Seltzer water. Its ZAZZTASTIC. And goes well with the Cheddar and no sour cream chipsss.

orange!
orange!

 

 

Back to the Chips. Most baked chipss are horrible. Like eating cardboard with a hat. Those kinds get about 1 fizzy pump out of 10, because they have some crunch and some salt. Now, the Ruffles have more going for them, as you can see in the photos. With Ridges, cheese flavoring, and the consistent shape (really not many were broken), I wholeheartedly give these bad boys a solid 4 fizz pumps out of 10.