[Sick Battle] Cold VERSUS Swine Flu

Sometimes, its difficult to diagnose yourself when your sick. Pineappleope.com is here to help.

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When you wake up sneezing, coughing, and have that achy back, feverish, can’t move a muscle feeling, how do you know whether you have cold symptoms or the mythical swine flu?

Easy.

Symptom: Fever
Fever is rare with a cold. Fever is usually present with the flu in up to 80% of all flu cases.

007[1]Symptom: Coughing
A hacking, productive (mucus- producing) cough is often present with a cold. A non-productive (non-mucus producing) cough is usually present with the swine flu (sometimes referred to as dry cough).

Symptom: Aches
Slight body aches and pains can be part of a cold. Severe aches and pains are common with the swine flu.

Symptom: Stuffy Nose
Stuffy nose is commonly present with a cold and typically resolves spontaneously within a week. Stuffy nose is not commonly present with the flu.

Symptom: Chills
Chills are uncommon with a cold. 60% of people who have the flu experience chills.

Symptom: Tiredness
Tiredness is fairly mild with a cold. Tiredness is moderate to severe with the flu.

Symptom: Sneezing
Sneezing is commonly present with a cold. Sneezing is not common with the flu.

Symptom: Headache
A headache is fairly uncommon with a cold. A headache is very common with the flu, present in 80% of flu cases.

Symptom: Sore Throat
Sore throat is commonly present with a cold. Sore throat is not commonly present with the flu.

Japanese Pig Rodeo – [girls riding pigs bareback]

pig and girlA shocking sport growing in popularity over in Japan is Pig Rodeo – or as some call it, Swine Surfing. Tricia Takanawa, our Asian correspondent, travelled overseas to investigate. She summarizes it as “a one stop thrill ride to mud and death, as these pigs are smothered in gelatinous swine flu serum”. Wow.

Stop Touching! You will give me Swine Flu, and I DO NOT WANT.

Its true. Shaking hands gives you Swine Flu. Beware.

Neil Swidey, writing for the Boston Globe, says “Last month, swine flu officially became a pandemic. Public health officials have said so-called “social distancing” strategies — sharply reducing contact with others — have proved most effective in slowing the spread of previous outbreaks, such as the 1918 flu pandemic. And they told us to cut down on our handshakes as much as we could. Northeastern University heeded the advice, asking its graduates not to shake hands when receiving their diplomas during the school’s commencement ceremony in May.”

via Handshake Horror: The Awareness Spreads. .

H1N1 pandemic spreading too fast to count: WHO

bk 7 incher GENEVA (Reuters) – The World Health Organization (WHO) said on Thursday that the H1N1 flu pandemic was the fastest-moving pandemic ever and that it was now pointless to count every case.

The United Nations agency, which declared an influenza pandemic on June 11, revised its requirements so that national health authorities need only report clusters of severe cases or deaths caused by the new virus or unusual clinical patterns.

“The 2009 influenza pandemic has spread internationally with unprecedented speed. In past pandemics, influenza viruses have needed more than six months to spread as widely as the new H1N1 virus has spread in less than six weeks,” it said in a statement on the new strain, commonly known as swine flu.

It has become nearly impossible for health authorities and laboratories to keep count of individual cases — which have mostly been mild — as the virus spreads, according to the 193 member-state agency.

The new flu strain can be treated by antivirals such as Roche Holding’s Tamiflu or GlaxoSmithKline’s Relenza, but many patients recover without medical treatment.

Flu experts say at least a million people are infected in the United States alone, and the WHO says the pandemic is unstoppable.

via H1N1 pandemic spreading too fast to count: WHO | Reuters .

[Outbreak] UK health ministers close PAO London offices

paper waste basketWhile the yanks are sniveling about Swine Flu, across the pond an even more serious public health concern is ravaging the United Kingdom. A virulent strain of Writer’s Block has infected vast swaths of the population. The UK Department of Health has issued a warning that Writer’s Block may infect more than half of all writers, but that cyber bloggers are at over 90% infection rate due to their frequent and often unprotected contact with the blogosphere.

 
Continue reading “[Outbreak] UK health ministers close PAO London offices”

[vintage ikea] PAO flashback furniture review

thats alotta feet
thats alotta feet

Mexico City, MX – PAO bargain hunters recently ducked into a vintage outlet store in an effort to avoid some infected swine flu carriers in downtown Mexico City.

The situation ended very positively – turns out the swine flu-ers were not infected – they were actually Mexican drug czars dressed up in pig suits, in their own efforts to avoid both the pig flu swine pandemico (pandemico is Spanish for pandemic).

The other positive note here is that our correspondents took refuge in some vintage Ikea furniture – likely left in Mexico hundreds of years ago by Swedish settlers Ponch de Leon and Columbono. The old furniture was intact with impossible to follow instructions and totally stupid tools. In the chair pictured here, the tools were empty shotgun shells which attached to some sort of wingnut contraption.

PAO’er Lance Monstoke said “it was like a monkey with piggy swine flu trying to fly fish in salt water”.  Sounds awful, Lance. He and Maria Chowdon, our 20yr old Brazilian intern, both enjoyed their time in the shop.

The chair does maintain a very rustic attitude of the olden times in Sweden – these days its nothing but hot bikini clad blonds – back back in the day, things were a  bear! Literally! Chairs and cars alike. This Bear Chair actually could walk, with a mini steam powered engine inside the assembly. Very cool – unfortunately the engine was removed in Mexico as a precaution. Swine flu is spread by steam and energy which is how it made the jump to humans from piglets.

In any case.. our researchers managed to bring this chair home for a hefty price of 35 pesos, and 2 viles of our in-house experimental swine vaccine. Nice work guys!

[swine flu] H1N1 SWINE FLU Outbreak! Track the spread, live – ONLY on PAO!

PAO CIO franklin peestone battles Swine Flu daily
PAO CIO Franklin Peestone battles Swine Flu with his personal army of pigeons
I never would have guessed it.. but the time has come. Bird flu was a scam, a lie, a cheat – and now look, Swine Flu has pounced on our asses like stink on a flu ridden pig. PAO offices are all abuzz over this outbreak, fortunately with no cases reported yet. Staff scientists have been recruited away to NASA’s testing grounds, unfortunately, so we cannot work on our own remedy this week. What we can do, fortunately, is help YOU track it.

The flu is tracking its way up through Mexico, and then exploding across the country in a never-before-seen type of epidemic. Some rumors are flying that the US Government is calling on Milla Jovovich for advice on how to handle such a situation. Milla, as you know, has much experience battling epidemics – primarily those involving zombies.

milla1Jovovich did say “they all start like this.. its always the pigs. America had better get ready.” Fortunately for us – no one complains when Milla comes to town. She tends to not wear a lot of clothes and carries all kinds of weapons. She continued “when I battle the early onset of an outbreak, I start going after the swine with blunt objects.”

Below, PAO Researcher Chaz Reinhold displays his data findings from the weekend. He will be updating this map hourly throughout his tracking of the disease from a secret underground lair.

Track the flu NOW:


View H1N1 Swine Flu in a larger map