HEALTH ALERT: Cougar Distribution Attacks (CDA)

Dear Celil,

   I am a 27 year old male and recently my friends and I have been going out quite frequently to cougar hunt. I managed to bring a few home which resulted into a “burning pee” incident that was luckily a curable STD. However the incident has forced me to examine my sexual exploits and I am curious if I run a greater risk sleeping with these women who have, shall we say, been around the block? My older brothers keep telling me I should hook up with our seventeen year old sisters friends like they do. Do you have any statistics on STD distribution by age group?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom,

Dear Barnaby,

   I don’t like to confuse myself or my readers with statistics. Statistics are notoriously unreliable. For instance, some statistics say that more men have testicles then women. But if you take a look around say, the Pineappleope World HQ, you see nutless males walking around all day long, talking about their iPhones. Another example is the often quoted statistic that there were 30 brand references in all of 50 Cent’s songs that made the 2003 Billboard charts, while Mercedes was referenced 112 times in any songs that made the 2003 Billboard charts. What does that even mean? I don’t know, but I will tell you this, the 2003 Billboard charts were nearly useless in determining your probability of getting an STD from intercourse with more mature women. Ergo, statistics are useless. QED.
   Let’s stick to the facts on hand. Your name is Barnaby, so you probably have an underused and hence overactive sex drive. You probably haven’t had sex since that time you got your junk stuck in your zipper in fourth grade and you had to have the gym teacher disentangle your member. The exploit you mention that culminated in a “burning pee” incident was certainly caused by you taking shots of Tabasco with your tequila that night. The multiple-parnter sex you think you experienced was therefore a hallucination brought on by acute capsican vapor inhalation. This is the cause in over 100% of unreported cases of “burning pee”.
   So, given that you are a horny loser, I would say if you have the opportunity to sleep with a women who is 17 or 70, check her out first in LDAP. If she is indeed a female, I wouldn’t worry about STDs. Worry instead about performance anxiety, dentata, and the female’s proclivity for Greek, CIM, and BBBJ action.

– Celil

[Coming Soon] The iJack

iPhone users celebrate. Introducing the Developed iJack. Details are vague, but it will be sporting Bluetooth 199.323 90mb/px/per/in capabilities, BUILT IN. No more messy antennas. It also will come in fancy red and white. The iJack Executive Edition (iJEE) comes in chrome.

In case you were unaware: The iJack allows you to use normal Fcking headphones on your version one iPhone