The Great Oreo Debate

In case you were wondering, this reporter has been on assignment in the American Southwest. Although I am due to return to PAO world headquarters this evening, I decided to finalize this article in the last minutes prior to boarding, so please pardon grammatical and spelling errors as I have no time for editor approval. The reason for my hasty publishing is two gentleman eyeballing me here at the gate. I saw one surreptitiously place something inside of his fez and the other is wearing very stale cologne. If my plane disappears en route, I would recommend investigating the wreckage for exotic headware and Drakkar Noir. But my findings must now be known, as this is a matter of pressing import:

As I am sure you do, I often find myself wondering about the true makeup of the tasty frozen concoction known generically as “cookies n’ cream” ice cream. It seems clear that most of the mixture is simply a lightly colored and flavored ice cream. But throughout said concoction, one finds pieces of what appears to be brown cookie. One would like to believe that these “cookie” pieces are in fact cookies, but are they? Even if they are truly cookies, are these whole cookies that are ground up and into the mixture? Are they just the cookie pieces prior to cookie assembly, or does the creamy filling also become part of the ice cream? Who decides which cookies are to be wrapped and sold as is and which go into the ice cream? Are the cookies being punished? Most importantly, in Breyer’s “Oreo” brand ice cream, are the cookie pieces from actual Oreo cookies or are Hydrox or other generic cookies being substituted?


It is the last question which I wish to answer in this article. I procured one frozen pint of the substance in question and introduced it to my mobile lab environment, giving it a few minutes to acclimate to the ambient temperature. One of the reasons the aforementioned mysteries continue to persist is the difficulty of seperating the cookie pieces from the sticky ice cream base of the mixture. It is difficult to tell from tactile exploration with the tongue alone it the light colored materials are ice cream or even possibly the creamy filling. Worse, the friction caused by this invesitgation tends to erode cookie piece markings essential to answering the brand question. Working carefully and dilligently with spoon and blasts of compressed helium, I present the following photographic evidence and ask my peers to draw their own conclusions: