On Earth, there lives a variety of Facebook user types. Here is a list of 12 annoying types.
The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. “I’m aroused.” “I had Toasties for breakfast.” “I’m bored at the farm.” “I’m stuck.” You’re kidding! You’re fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Because you have 4322 Facebook friends doesn’t mean we want to know when you’re on your cell.
The Self-Promoter. You have probably posted at least once about some meaningless achievement. And maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about yourself. But when EVERY fucking update is a link to your blog, your crappy poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like you suck.
The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 “friends?” Unless you’re Gregg Peachpot or just laid lohan, no one has that many.
The Town Crier. “Michael Jackson is dead!!!” You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. You are just godforsaken lame.
The TMIer. “Brad is cleaning up after crazy bukkaki sesh.” Boundaries of privacy and decorum don’t seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.
The Bad Grammarian. “So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe”. You sound like a moron.
The Sympathy-Baiter. “Barbara is feeling sad today.” “Man, am I glad that’s over.” “Jim could really use some good news about now.” Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks — baited with vague tales of woe — in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.
The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you’ll be talking to them and they’ll mention something you posted, so you know they’re on your page, hiding in the shadows. It’s just a little creepy.
The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn’t complain about. “Carl isn’t really that impressed with idiots who don’t realize how idiotic they are.” [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.
The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone’s posted a photo of you from last weekend’s party — a photo you didn’t authorize and haven’t even seen? You’d really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.
The Maddening Obscurist. “If not now then when?” “You’ll see…” “Grist for the mill.” “John is, small world.” “Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not.” [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you’re not being mysterious — just nonsensical.
The Chronic Inviter. “Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which ‘Star Trek’ character are you? Here are the ‘Top 5 cars I have personally owned.’ Here are ’25 Things About Me.’ Here’s a drink. What drink are you? We’re related! I took the ‘What President Are You?’ quiz and found out I’m Millard Fillmore! What president are you?”