me gustan las tortugas

While scanning a decomissioned State department laptop for LDAP queries I came across this evidence of the undead. AP refused to publish it so I present it unlive and uncut.

Stalker Alert

One of our employees, lets just call this person Pete, has found himself seeking a permenent restraining order against a man he believes is stalking him, who has made pete fear for the safety of himself and his friends and pets.

According to papers filed by the employee in Los Angeles Superior Court, and obtained by me, Pete claims J. Aron Largebuck, 68, has been “stalking and harassing” him and allegedly turned up at his home multiple times, claiming God sent him visions related to Pete.

In his declaration, Pete claims that Largebuck first surfaced in 2002, and “engaged in obsessive and harassing behavior.” The employee claims he sent him “multiple packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts,” and followed him “around the country, through multiple different states.”

He claimed that he “resurfaced” within the last year and “his obsessive and harassing behavior has escalated to the point of becoming dangerous and threatening.”

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Evacuation!!!!!!!!!!! AT PINEAPPLEOPE.COM! employees took part in a ‘planned’ evacuation at our new office bright and early this morning at 7am PST (Pacific Standard Time, USA & Canada).

Evacuations are more common than many people realize. Hundreds of times each year, world wide web and internet accidents release harmful substances, forcing thousands of people to leave their offices. Fires and floods cause evacuations even more frequently. Almost every year, people along the Gulf and Atlantic and Pacific and Indian and Panama coasts evacuate in the face of approaching mayhem.

When office evacuations become necessary, bosses provide information to the employees through the use of different media. In some circumstances, other warning methods, such as sirens or telephone calls to employees, also are used. Additionally, there may be circumstances under which you and your co-workers feel threatened or endangered and you need to leave your office, cube, or workstation to avoid these situations.

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Health Alert: STDs and You

A new week brings a new health question….

Dear Cecil,

My roommate brings home a lot of random guys from the bars each weekend. She typically picks them up in Roxbury and East Boston. Im not positive if she sleeps with them but it sounds like it when I listen at her door each night. Do you think I can pick up STD’s from our shared toilet seat?

thank you,Sally

Click the link below for Cecils response….
Continue reading “Health Alert: STDs and You”

The price of fame and fortune

A lot of people have asked me, “So, man, what is your ATM number?” Mostly a different group entirely ask me a similar question, “What do you do when you aren’t out investigating for or writing your scathing expose flavored reports?”

Mostly, I dissect noodle packages looking for elusive and valuable Ramen Pearls. It looks something like this:

Pumped up for Hockey

The hockey team is kicking off their season this Thurs. Night. Our team is stacked this year. Jesus and a couple old Whalers players have joined the already killer lineup…. Go Team