Fighting subcutaneous infestations

It is the afternoon already? Have you been able today, to rid yourself of the tiny vermin that crawl into yourself while you sleep every night, feeding on your hopes and dreams? Probably not, according to results from a new study by respected Ergonaut and Cornish Game Hen authority Stewart Coupland: “90% of the employed human subjects studied have not sufficiently rid their bodies of microscopic organisms by 2pm. Contrast this with the fact that only 31% of unemployed humans in this study were adequately deloused by 2pm. My findings indicate most (human) employees should be given longer lunches so that they have more time for personal grooming and bug removal.”

Some tips our reader’s might find useful:


  • “On occasion I notice spiders dangling from my hair. The same type and often enough to think they be living up there. Are there any type of spiders like that? I also have a specimen that I caught alive.”
  • “I was infected with a black fly from Bolivia. I was injected with the eggs of the fly when I received infected collagen injections in my face. The collagen was not pasteurized enough to kill the organisms. I have a doctor but hasn’t got a clue what to treat it with, Filarias exit my skin looking like very fine hairs and I’ve even seen them reproduce in front of my eyes.”
  • “Have found a way to get specimens of black dots, etc. Have also found that black dots are black if they have been moving around on the floor. They are white if they have been moving around on your bed linens. They are red if they have been moving around on red fabric. I finally cleaned and cleaned until they had no dust left to hide in, and they are little black bugs with wings. They come alone or in clusters. I have been using alcohol to kill them, and when I feel them moving around in my hair, I spray my hair with alcohol and comb it. I repeat this process two or three times, and in four or five minutes they will jump out of my hair onto the table in front of me, or my bed linens, depending on where I am. Then I take Scotch tape or a Ziploc bag and collect them. I have some very good specimens now.” (Keeping collections of alleged pests in small containers–the “matchbox sign”–is considered diagnostic of DP by some dermatologists.)
  • “Hello! Can you help my wife and I, please? We have a worm that attaches to our bones. Mainly our lower spinal column. Goes in our ears, under the skin to our brain, mostly at night, and has come to our eyes and turned them bloodshot. Apple cider vinegar makes them move. . . . We can’t stand more than a day of Mintezol but it drives the worms crazy. Please help!” Sounds like a typical folie a deux, or shared delusion, which accounts for roughly one case in eight.
  • “The little uninvited guests seem to have a puzzling life cycle. . . . The ulcers have a flat, red center which looks like a skull shape (or a diamond, sometimes a circle). A scaly flake appears around the perimeter. When scratched (and it is VEEEEERRRRYYY itchy), the center does some interesting things. It moves, changes shape, opens and closes, and does not like to be poked. They ooze a serous fluid whenever you rub the skin anywhere nearby. When trying to remove one of the ‘crusts,’ whatever it is tries to pull back into the skin. A piece can be removed, but never the entire thing. Under just a magnifying glass, the excoriated chunk appears to be some kind of insect/mite holding a clear worm.”


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