Manhole Monday employees were severely effected by manhole explosions early this morning. No heat, No electric, No internet, No hot water, no lights. We here at discussed the options of half-day, day-off, or full work day sans showering (for some of us con sensitive teeth, sans brushing teeth). Obviously, executive decisions were made, we are in the office.

“…Resorted to dusting off ‘stache of late 80’s nudimags to build strength and achieve mental balance for work … It was like man VS wild, sorry I was late” -CHINEESEYES

Good news we here at do not lose a full day revenue. Unfortunately, when contacted, authorities do not know exactly when or IF the situation will be resolved today. We will keep you posted.

Click below for greasy palm…
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Just managed to get my tongue in the door

I was in LA to interview some retired Sri Lankan sea pirates. As a gesture of goodwill, their former captain allowed them to share the secrets of their tiger toe tea with me. So naturally, I brought a supply of horny goat weed and a video camera. While I was waiting at the Vulcan Secret Tea House under the 7th Hole green at the Montebello Country Club for my party to arrive, I managed to get this footage of Jeff Goldblum and his party chatting in the next tea room:

Stalker Alert

One of our employees, lets just call this person Pete, has found himself seeking a permenent restraining order against a man he believes is stalking him, who has made pete fear for the safety of himself and his friends and pets.

According to papers filed by the employee in Los Angeles Superior Court, and obtained by me, Pete claims J. Aron Largebuck, 68, has been “stalking and harassing” him and allegedly turned up at his home multiple times, claiming God sent him visions related to Pete.

In his declaration, Pete claims that Largebuck first surfaced in 2002, and “engaged in obsessive and harassing behavior.” The employee claims he sent him “multiple packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts,” and followed him “around the country, through multiple different states.”

He claimed that he “resurfaced” within the last year and “his obsessive and harassing behavior has escalated to the point of becoming dangerous and threatening.”

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Evacuation!!!!!!!!!!! AT PINEAPPLEOPE.COM! employees took part in a ‘planned’ evacuation at our new office bright and early this morning at 7am PST (Pacific Standard Time, USA & Canada).

Evacuations are more common than many people realize. Hundreds of times each year, world wide web and internet accidents release harmful substances, forcing thousands of people to leave their offices. Fires and floods cause evacuations even more frequently. Almost every year, people along the Gulf and Atlantic and Pacific and Indian and Panama coasts evacuate in the face of approaching mayhem.

When office evacuations become necessary, bosses provide information to the employees through the use of different media. In some circumstances, other warning methods, such as sirens or telephone calls to employees, also are used. Additionally, there may be circumstances under which you and your co-workers feel threatened or endangered and you need to leave your office, cube, or workstation to avoid these situations.

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Health Alert: STDs and You

A new week brings a new health question….

Dear Cecil,

My roommate brings home a lot of random guys from the bars each weekend. She typically picks them up in Roxbury and East Boston. Im not positive if she sleeps with them but it sounds like it when I listen at her door each night. Do you think I can pick up STD’s from our shared toilet seat?

thank you,Sally

Click the link below for Cecils response….
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HEALTH TOPIC OF THE WEEK: Semen trees of Los Angelas

I want to get my nipples pierced. Are there health risks? Plus: Sperm trees of Los Angeles

September 20, 1985

Dear Cecil:

I am seriously thinking about getting one of my nipples pierced. Are there health risks involved? Also, should I go to a doctor and have it done or don’t they do that sort of thing? Do guys think it’s sexy, or am I just weird?

Cecil replies:

Whatever guys may think about it, Lisa, you are definitely weird–and increasingly, so is this job. When I started writing the Straight Dope 15 years ago, I used to get maybe two or three truly pathological questions a month. Now I’m getting double handfuls of them in every mail. Here’s a sample of what the postman brought this morning:

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