What the hell am I drinking?
PAO researchers have discovered things from dinosaurs, alive on a small island off of South America, to the MOON. Now..
It is the afternoon already? Have you been able today, to rid yourself of the tiny vermin that crawl into yourself while you sleep every night, feeding on your hopes and dreams? Probably not, according to results from a new study by respected Ergonaut and Cornish Game Hen authority Stewart Coupland: “90% of the employed human subjects studied have not sufficiently rid their bodies of microscopic organisms by 2pm. Contrast this with the fact that only 31% of unemployed humans in this study were adequately deloused by 2pm. My findings indicate most (human) employees should be given longer lunches so that they have more time for personal grooming and bug removal.”
All PAO senior staff has taken the day off today, leaving us poor peons to look for ghosts in the machine…
See here is the thing. Currently, PAO staff are assigned mostly Dell laptops. These laptops have certain inherent performance characteristics and limitations. Shitsweak. On the other hand, PAO staff regularly has to negotiate intensive techknuckle projects, often going head-to-head with well armed trolls and annoying dialog boxes built and funded by multinational conglomerates. Lives are at risk here. Every second thousands of dollars are at stake. We, the newly formed District 7 PAO Labor Union, are demanding immediate and comprehensive conversion of our laptop based workstations to fully-functioning holodecks. These improvements will dramatically affect all aspects of the company perfomance, essentially synergizing vertically like pissing up a ladder. If any of our readers are familiar with or can provide drawings and/or ongoing support for a complete holodeck overhaul, please let us know.
This morning, PAO staff has been remiss in its posting duties. It seems that the nog has begun to flow a little bit early, with employees spiriting spirits out of the party planning area and back to their desks. If posts are not made prior to the closing of foreign markets, we will begin docking pay and random floggings. Lets get it together people!
Whenever I’m in a jam and trying to escape, I have to ask myself: What would Ronnie Dobbs Do? The trick is to have a plan…. Watch and learn:
About 5 weeks ago I got a series of text message from a mysterious ghetto chick. She seemed to be a sweet teenage girl borrowing her friend or sister’s phone to text a boy named “princeten”, but somehow she texted me. So I did what anyone sworn to the PAO Code of Conduct, Oath of Destiny would do: I fucked with her. I don’t have a transcript of that communique, but suffice it to say Doctor Leo Spacemen left the poor girl(s) ego in shreds. Last night she had the misfortune of texting “princeten” again to ask him to the winter ball. This time, I hired a court stenographer cum limo driver and amateur typesetter to format the following transcription for your reading pleasure.
hey whats up? its ellen on laurens cell
Sup this is Dr. Leo Spacemen how can I help you today?
lol wow princeten… who are you asking to formal?
Probably should take Mrs. Spaceman don’t you think?
haha wow.. whos princely asking?
I don’t know who princely is but if he needs a date Mrs. Spaceman’s niece is getting divorced soon
lol ok princeten seriously can u be lajit right now?
If you mean I should say legitimate things to you, OK. Pineappleope.com
um no… and can you plz talk to me as u princeten?
This is not princeten. This is Dr. Leo Spaceman
stop lieing wheres princeten?
Like I said from the beginning. This is Dr. Leo Spacemen. I don’t know any princetons or princeten. I apologise profusely for any erroneous conclusions that you may have drawn. Ciao – Dr. Leo
wow ur a fag
At this point I had been chasing the dragon for so long that I simply passed out in a puddle of my own saliva. But fear not, if ellen or lauren ever comes knocking again, I will resume the dialog.