[Layoffs] AOL slaughters 1/3 of workforce – single-handedly ruining the economy at the Holidays.

To explain this properly, we must voice it in the terms of a 12-year-old AOLer.

AFTAR TELNG ITS INVES2RS TAHT $20 MILION HAS BEN PUT ASIED 2 JATISON A THIRD OF ITS PAYROL AOL SI LOKNG FOR 250 STAF 2 TAEK VOLUNTARY R3DUNDANCEIS—JUMP NOW OR B PUSHAD L8R!!111!1 OMG WTF ITS AL D3SIGNAD 2 SHAEV ABOUT $30 MILION OF ITS ANUAL 18!!!!1! BILION OPERATNG AXPANS3S!1!11!! LOL INSTANT MESAGNG CLEINT ICQ SI ALSO UP FOR SAEL AND MAPQU3ST CUD B NEXT!111111!1 OMG WTF AS ALWAYS W3RA SURPRIESD TAHT AOL STIL EVEN EXISTS!11!11! LOL

[governator] California Walmarts will begin selling coffins

Walmart Coffin Sales
Walmart Coffin Sales

Facing monumental state budget deficits, this morning Governor Schwarzenegger used his emergency powers to “nationalize” Walmart stores in California, and he has new plans on where to take the company and its products. Our undead reporters have the scoop, it appears that the next product line to be offered by Walmart with be a full range of funeral services.

Full story after the break
Continue reading “[governator] California Walmarts will begin selling coffins”

[downsizing] PAO cuts back snacks program

One of the many employee benefits at PAO, such as Nude Waterskiing Weekend and the cool t-shirts, is being cut back. The program is the Carbo-Fat Overloading Snack Program, which provides high-calorie/low-nutrient snacks and beverages for all employees. The program is not going away entirely, however many of the snacks have been downsized. As you can barely see in this photo, the popular Keebler Club & Chedder cracker packages are now smaller. Investigations revealed that the packages also contained less crackers! Is this an attempt to cut down waistlines or budgets? PAO Internal Affairs is conducting an ongoing investigation.

The new packages are shown on the left.
The new packages are shown on the left.

Kim Jong II of North Korea Accused of Attacking Websites

Kim Jong II is the prime suspect in the latest web attacks against the US. These powerful attacks overwhelmed computers in the US for days and was even broader than initially realized, also targeting the White House, the Pentagon and the New York Stock Exchange.

North-Korean-leader-Kim-Jong hacker

The United States is currently determining what next steps to take in order to snuff out and end the tyranny of the North Korean dictator. Kim Jong II, one of the world’s top computer hackers (haxxorz), has been cited for cyber crimes before, but never such a significant cyber crime as this.

[UPDATE] Kim Jong II has been sighted at a North Korean Starbucks using a Dell Latitude Laptop.

[yahoo!]

[Alaska] Palin Resigning to Become… Women’s Clothing Model?

News broke last Friday that Sarah Palin not only won’t run for re-election in 2010, but would also be resigning from office later this month was the latest drama to surround the former Republican presidential running mate …

sarah palin bikini

The latest in the Palin drama came this morning, when a close friend (of Palins) suggested she has been in talks with several clothing companies and a possible modeling contract. Two major clothing firms have been rumored to be in a bidding war for Palin, August Max Woman and Jordache.

Clearly, its still very early to determine whether or not Palin is slated to become the next older woman model. Pineappleope.com can confirm, Palin is not cut out to be governor of Alaska, or any other state for that matter.