Better Red than Dead

I was looking in the PAO Fan Club mail bag and I came across this jem…

Dear Celil,

To what do you ascribe your great strength, luxurious hair, and sexual prowess? Is it a magical charm, secret juju, or just good PR?

Kuriou$Kumquat@aol.com – Chicago, IL

Mr. Kumquat,

It is in one part genetic fortune and two parts stringent diet. You see, whereas some “nutritionists” would prescribe a “balanced” meal of grains, meats, and vegetables, I eat by color. Today is red day, so I start with an invigorating breakfast of cola and cheese crackers. For lunch I will probably just smoke some red hair, and for dinner? A jar of ragu, of course. Always finish your day with a single, full jar of red sauce, regardless of what color day it is. One more thing, don’t bother trying to do a Blue Food day, there is precious little foodstuffs out there that is blue.
What this does, you see, is balance the light particles in the blood, which enhances synthesis of ATP, the “fuel-system” of cellular energy. By increasing my electrical potential, I emit a low voltage electromagnetic field. Women can sense my power and are drawn to it.

Regards,
Celil