PAO correspondent Largebuck here. I have relocated to a remote part of Montana after discovering a cache of liquor, drugs and weapons hidden under a ramshackle cabin by the late, great, Hunter S. Thompson. I was on assignment, tracking Sarah Palin, but fuck that bitch, there must be over 1000 ampules of amyl nitrate here. There isn’t a lick of food here, but I have been able to sustain myself primarily by killing things with the guns and ammo left behind by Thompson. My diet consists almost entirely of seagulls, which flock to the nearby junkyard. After eating one or two balls of hashish, and washing it down with a fifth of absinthe, I trek overland for about 4 miles to the dump. There are seagulls galore here, albeit the sea is almost 1000 miles away. The only sea around here is the sea of vomit I am creating from eating these wretched birds. Which makes me wonder. Why the fuck are these things called seagulls? What should they be called?
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